It’s Never Too Late for Change

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson

Growth is painful. I’m sure you all remember growing pains. Change is painful. If you think a caterpillar enjoys the feeling of metamorphosing into a butterfly then you’re sadly mistaken. Nothing is as painful as being stuck somewhere where you don’t belong though…

On my most recent trip back home, all of my friends asked me “When are you moving back?”. Not one person asked me if I was, they simply inquired as to when. Now it’s quite possible that they know something that I don’t know, or maybe they are just being optimistic because they miss me. The point is the same. This undying hope on their end (and frequently on mine) that I would move back to my hometown.

I lived in the same house for the first 28 years of my life. Although I switched my bedroom from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor, that building will always be my home. I moved from Boston to St.Louis for love. I met my boyfriend while he was attending college in Boston, and we hit it off royally. Once he graduated he told me he’d be moving back home to St.Louis and he wanted me to join him. It was an incredibly hard decision for me because my whole life had been lived with my family in mind.

I didn’t want to move. Yet, I felt like I had to. I couldn’t explain why. I often cried about it while talking about it, and even hoped that maybe my boyfriend would see how upset I was by the concept of moving and tell me not to make the move. That’s not how it played out however, he still wanted me to make the move. I could have easily said “no”. It might have ended the relationship right there, but the relationship may have survived it. Something told me to make the move, something told me to try.

Although I still ache to be back home, I don’t regret the move. I of course have many moments in which I get upset and regret the move but overall I don’t and I’ll tell you why. So many things have happened to me here that have helped me grow. I had grown somewhat stagnant where I was. Here I’ve had to become more emotionally and financially dependent. Although I’m in my early 30’s I’ve done most of my growing in the past 4 or 5 years. I think it’s funny to recollect my late-teens and early-twenties because you are constantly convinced that you are an adult and you know better than anyone else.

Let me save you some time and effort if you’re reading this and you’re in that age range. You’re wrong. You’ve got a lot to learn, and a lot to grow. The difference between an 18 year old and a 21 year old is significant, even thought it’s only three years. 21 and 25 are a million years apart as far as I’m concerned. It continues like that for a long time. I’ve read articles that say it’s important to change jobs every 3-5 years and even more fascinating was an article that said your PERSONALITY changes roughly every 7 years.

I can certainly attest to not being the same person I was at 22. My 22 year-old self was also nothing like my 15 year-old self. It’s part of life to change. Some people get better at accepting change, while others fight it where great vigor. There’s no reason to fight change because it is inevitable.

I am on the cusp of change, and I can feel it. I’m debating looking for a new job if my current one doesn’t give me a substantial raise. After three years of being a model employee that is well liked by staff, residents, and my boss I believe I am worth it. Especially since I found other jobs with entry level positions that pay more per hour than what I make now. I’m also trying to decide if my boyfriend and I should get our own place or if I should move back home to be with my family.

I am at a 4 way intersection of decisions. There’s a lot going on and I can ask for all the advice in the world, but at the end of the day it needs to be my decision.The old me would be horrified because no matter what I decide I know that within three months there will be massive changes coming. At least I have the privilege of knowing the impending changes are coming.

I’m either going to be making more money or having a new job. I will either be in a new apartment, still living here, or back home with my family. Either way, there’s big changes coming. Somehow, I’m managing to keep my cool. I’m proud to say that my blog is building an audience so I may lean a little heavier on writing here. To open up more so that people will continue to realize that you are not alone in the little nuances of life that drive us crazy.

We’re all broke. We’re all upset. We’re all scared. Well….maybe not ALL of us, but more than a few. The older I get the more I reconnect with people from my past. The more open I am with my mother and my older brother and I hear these stories. Stories we can all relate to. Stories of broken hearts, struggling, depression, suicide and laughter. These are all things that everyone can relate to. I don’t care how happy someone seems I can guarantee you that they have cried. I don’t care how broken and sad someone always seems I promise you that they have laughed. I don’t care how angry and mean someone is, I know that they have hugged someone.

Although some people seem to stick to outliers, we all have cross in certain areas. We’ve all laughed, cried, yelled, hugged, bled. We are all human. Regardless of language, orientation, gender, or race. We’ve all been through change. We’ve all started as infants who needed to rely on others. We’ve all been children with endless hope. We’ve been angsty teenagers against the world because we thought we were alone in a battle. We’ve all been in our 20’s trying to figure out our own independence and define who we are.

I’m only 31 and my older brother is 38. I find it so intriguing to talk to him because the age difference is close enough that we deeply understand each other. Yet those 7 years of difference are almost a life time in terms of growth.

Even at 31 years old I feel lost and confused sometimes. But I know I’ve felt that before in life, and I can only guarantee that I will feel like this again some day in the future.

If you plant a seed in a tiny little planter and it begins to grow eventually you will have to place it in another pot. If you let it sit in the same tiny pot you limit how much it can grow. Change is necessary for growth. Even bad change.

My grandmothers health is failing. I know this, as much as I try to ignore it in my day to day life it constantly claws at the back of my mind that one day soon I will lose her. I’ve always been very close to her and even admitting that she’s at that point in her life makes me emotional. She can not be in my life forever. That change is inevitable. What will that change mean for me? Losing someone is extremely painful but going through something like that makes you stronger.

You ever burn the tip of your finger, and it will hurt like hell. Then if you burn the exact same spot it doesn’t hurt as much. Eventually your skin grows durable enought that it doesn’t even phase you anymore. The heart is the same way. When you’re young every heartbreak is devastating. Every loss is harder because it’s a first. Either death, or a friendship that ends, maybe a bad breakup hit you much harder when your young because you’re not used to it. As you age it becomes easier because your heart grows stronger. You learn HOW to deal with these things that are inevitable in life. You may make it 20 years before you experience you’re first loss but it will happen.

The same with change. Change is terrible at first, and then as you grow you should be more excited for the changes. Good, bad, or ugly it means that you are growing. Things are going to be different and so will you.

Sometimes you will be the one to initiate change. And remember it’s never too late to change. Every few years I would always redo my bedroom. I’d move furniture around, maybe paint and change a piece of furniture. Just to give a new feel and a sense of rejuvenation.

When my older brother was a teenager he changed his hair and got blonde tips. When I was a teenager I started dying my hair all sorts of different colors and painting my nails black. Just trying different things to see who I was. Now I see my little brother is growing his hair out incredibly long. Trying something different…change. Apparently 3 out of 3 of us used our hair as a means of experimentation. It makes me feel like we’re not the only ones.

Have you ever changed your hair around that age just to see what it was like?

So let’s embrace the change even if it’s scary. I’m not sure how the next few months will play out, but I do know one thing…they will change me.

Your homework for this post: Change something small in your life. Add a new hobby, move things around in your room, just open yourself up to the possibility of changes.

David Bowie – Changes

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