Classic Post #7: I usually keep these short…

I usually keep these short so you know this means something to me.

May. 20th, 2005 | 07:41 pm
I’m feeling: awake
I’m hearing: Lean on me

[I usually put my current day thoughts here at the top, I’ll post them at the bottom this time]

Have you ever had a moment with someone from your past that kinda just opened massive flood gates of memories?
Memories that you had forgotten?
An amnesia that was so strong you didn’t even know you had it. Not that the memories were bad, or even good…just memories you had forgotten.

That happened to me today.

Where 5 seconds spent standing next to someone brought back like 3 years worth of memories that just hit me like on-coming traffic. Lately you all know how i have been really into E. Well today was a bad day for that because he saw me squeeze a guys ass, he saw me with a copy of COSMO that i stupidly said was mine and worst of all my friend yelled

“Did you get a chance to lick him?”

so E turns around and she (trying to make it better) yelled “I mean K did you lick K?” That was very awkward. I was like, you know what, nothing much you can do about it. So why worry? I think i am going to flat out tell E and be like

“Listen, i know this is gonna be weird but…i sweat you man. I just wanted you to know before you found out from someone else. I know you ain’t gay…you’re too perfect to be gay…but just so you know.” It’s true he is too perfect. He is attractive, nice, kind, emotional, smart, as far as i know he doesn’t do drugs or smoke, and he’s not gay as far as i know. It always boggled me how someone so perfect could stay single but I’m not going to do to him what i did to Chico…I’m not going to assume.

I guess in retrospect i have made a lot of bad decisions in life. In fact i still make mistakes all the time. I know you all hate it when i say it but “Even if ——- was gay why would they want me?” And it’s true you can all say whatever you want and say “well you have a great personality”. Well, everyone is a little shallow and no amount of personality can make up for my looks…

Did i ever tell you what i do when i am in love? I sleep. I did it with K and i am doing it with E and i have done it with many of my crushes too. You know why? You know that time just before you sleep when your semi-conscious and your mind wanders? I have amazing fantasies that lead into amazing dreams…. No they are not wet dreams or perverted dreams just dreams where i can talk to the person with courage or where the person is just in my house or something…I remember one dream i had about K…we were just walking down the street that my house is on and he said “I’m sorry for everything.” and that dream was so eerily beautiful that i remember it to this day. I have been sleeping a lot lately. I hate this world and everything it has but my dreams….my dreams are a fantasia filled with happiness and love regardless of looks or class or anything. In my dreams people are what they should be…real.

I am a little upset because i am tired of thinking that my only happiness in life comes from my dreams (although as of now it does). My dog knows i am upset. My dog is horrified of the PC room because we always yell at him for being here but he’s in here now lying near my foot looking at me with glossy eyes…i can almost hear him saying “It’s OK…I’m here.” And that’s all i need sometimes but it’s so hard when i keep my emotions all bundled up. There are some things that just really get to me but i never breath them to anyone. There are countless times where something bothers me so much that i can’t even put it on blog or LJ and it legit haunts me for days….but thats a tale for another  time. I am not writing this for pity or grief i am writing it to express something that needs to be said. I still don’t have balls. Whether it be with men or just with my emotions i can not confront anyone.

The only person i have ever legit confronted was K and that’s because i still feel that that is who i am meant to be with in life. Yes you all hate him i know but i don’t care. Something tells me that no matter what happens in life he will be there for me. He may not say “I’m here for you.” but i think if i really needed him he would be. Sometimes i wish he didn’t block me because when  i have those really bad emotions i would feel so much better going to him because i told him the hardest thing i ever had to tell anyone “I love you” after that everything else is a fucking cake walk. I know i use the word love frivolously but the only person i can ever think of that i really meant it man, woman, or beast is K.

There’s only one thing that holds me back in life and thats my weight. If i was skinnier i think i would be happier, i would have a job, and some sort of relationship. But it’s hard to do anything alone. Losing weight is harder than quitting smoking (i know that for a fact) i don’t want to live my life as a blob… i want to lose weight before i leave here so people can say “Your attractive, nice, kind, emotional, smart, as far as i know you don’t do drugs or smoke..” or “Listen, i know this is gonna be weird but…i sweat you man. I just wanted you to know before you found out from someone else. I know you are gay…you’re too perfect not to be gay…but just so you know…” but once again those are just the things i dream of in my fantasia of sleep….

[ (8-28-19) Wow, just wow. 14 years ago not only was I very clearly struggling with my self image but my emotions were all over the map. It’s funny to look back on how simplistic my life was and to think of all the extra drama that I managed to add with my teenage angst. I was very clearly looking for someone to make me feel special. Every time I had a crush on someone it was immediately Love. Now I safe guard that word like you wouldn’t believe. I was coming to terms with myself and rather than focus on that I was trying to get with any male that spoke to me. I assumed that if you were male and you spoke to me it had to mean that deep down you had a crush on me. Yet, somehow I was convinced all these people had to have closet crushes on me and yet I also felt they were disgusted by me. It was a hell of a balancing act but I managed to be full of myself and hate myself a lot. It’s interesting to read and see how much I’ve grown. I’m still crazy and weird but with a real good grasp on myself and my social skills.

One of my current coworkers is 19 and she seems to be going through a very similar thing. She’s confused, hurt, excited all wrapped up in one. She thinks she’s a bombshell but I know she secretly has self image issues too. She reminds me so much of myself but my advice falls on deaf ears because she thinks I don’t know her life. I don’t know her life but I do know life. Most of the things you face in life are not unique to you. Whatever you are going through I promise you there are people who’ve been through it before. If you reach out and find them they will gladly help you.

There were years where I was actually ashamed of how I acted in high school but now I know that that’s just how I was, and the important thing is how much I’ve grown since then. I was trying to figure out myself and test my limits in terms of social interactions. I would obsess and think it was love. It seemed I bounced around from crush to crush just so I would have options. I think I was “in love” with seven different boys in my school in varying grades. I was just looking to experience something special. I can’t regret who I was though, but I’m glad I grew out of that phase and got a much better grasp on reality. I think part of it was rampaging hormones, part of it was loneliness and depression.

The reason I share this deeply personal post is to show you how much you can change and better yourself. I had to realize my self worth before I could ever successfully have a relationship and I think it was just a matter of time. I don’t think I would be where I am today had I not done and said all the crazy things I did back in high school.

Never forget where you came from, but don’t let your past dictate your future.]

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