Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

It may not be the rule of thumb for most people, but it is said that every seven years you are a different person. The cells in your body are slowly changing constantly; In a seven year time-line, every cell in your body is different. They say that even your personality can change in the time frame.

If you think about it, you are a very different person between the ages of 7 and 14. I can almost guarantee that your 14 year old self is very different from your 21 year old self. I’m glad I have blog posts from my teenage years, although some of them fill me with shame, they are a great reminder of how far I’ve come. I think it is important to realize that we are constantly changing as human beings.

I have noticed that it doesn’t always take years to see changes in your self though. The difference between 19 and 22 is huge! It might very well be, that these significant changes are something I see only in me. Not everyone goes through as much internal change as I have. It seems that every 3 years or so I am very different. Although most of my general characteristics have been the same my whole life, I see changes in my strength and mental health.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety for years I’ve always struggled with the idea of putting myself first. I often live for other peoples pleasures first. I would try so hard for everyone to like me. I tried to see it as a pious act of always trying to be the better person, but it wasn’t me trying to be pious. I colored my hunger for acceptance as something I did to be a good person. I realized years later that I just wanted people to like me, regardless of if I liked them or not.

In the past few years I’ve changed a lot in that regard. I’m no longer trying to make sure that everyone likes me. I make sure that I like me, and everyone else can fall into place where they may. I see a significant change in my personality in the past few months or so. I’m not sure if learning how to drive was the catalyst or if the catalyst helped me get comfortable driving. All I know is I’m thinking differently.

For example: I had a resident that randomly and unjustifiably stopped talking to me. Normally that would have bothered me every day and all day. I would have shed tears because I just wanted to do anything to make it right; Instead I shrugged it off. There are certain people you can’t reason with, so why waste energy questioning what I did, when I know I did nothing wrong.

I had another situation where a friend of mine was acting distant and cold. I couldn’t figure out if it was something I did or simply her own personal issues effecting all her relationships. Normally it would have driven me insane. I realized though that if a friend had an issue with me, and didn’t respect me enough to tell me about it, then I couldn’t very well consider them a friend. So I didn’t dwell on it, when she was cold I gave her distance and sure enough I found out it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Rather than waste my mental time turning over the past few days to figure out what happened I let it go.

I realized that you don’t find peace, you have to make peace.

I am on the path of starting to make peace. Peace with myself. Not only am I not who I was 7 years ago, but I’m not who I was 3 years ago either. I’m starting to see that I’m not who I was 4 months ago, and in fact it makes sense that I’m not who I was yesterday. Sometimes changes happen slowly, so slowly that you hardly notice them. Other times changes seem to happen so rapidly that it’s hard to ignore.

I’m still a work in progress with far too much anxiety and too much kindness.

I still feel like big changes are coming, and I apologize for not writing more in the past couple of weeks. I’ve been going through quite a bit mentally. I’m ready to get back to the grind though, and I’m ready to continue changing.

I’ve got a feeling that 2020 will be a very interesting year for everyone…

2 thoughts on “Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

  1. Thank you for sharing. My daughter has anxiety and depression, and I recognise some of the things you’ve discussed, I might not understand, but this helps me to try and treat her in a way that can be more positive.

    Like

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