A Morning with Depression

I wake up at around 9:30 every morning, even without my alarm now. It doesn’t really matter what time I go to bed, my body will still wake me up.

I barely open one eye and look at my fitbit and I see the time is 9:28. I close my eye and think about if I should get up or take a few more minutes of sleep or not. I instinctively grab my cellphone from the bed side table with my eyes still shut. I catch myself doing this and mentally reprimand myself like with words my mother would have used. “Maybe you should wake up first before you start using the phone!”

I agree with the mother in my head and put the phone down for a second. I sit up and and stretch a little. It’s something I try to do more often because it does make the body feel better and it has long lasting benefits. I grab my water bottle and take a big gulp. I also try to start each morning with a big gulp of water, although I should really be drinking at least 8 oz of water when I wake up; According to a picture I saw online once years ago.

I grab my phone and go to the bathroom. I usually watch Youtube videos while I’m in the bathroom. I catch up on wrestling news mostly. After time has escaped me and I’ve spent 15 to 20 minutes in the bathroom on the toilet I finally start brushing my teeth.

The YouTube videos carry on with auto-play in the background. I brush my teeth and examine them in the mirror closely both before and after brushing them. I have some stained plaque that I’m not fond of, but I haven’t found a dentist since I’ve moved to Missouri.

I haven’t found one because I haven’t really looked for one. I used to get my teeth cleaned every 6 months at the dentists when I lived back home. I used to do a lot of things that I don’t do anymore since I moved to Missouri.

I try to mindfully brush my teeth and my mind slowly drifts to things looming over my head. I think about my credit card debt, which is in no way staggering to most people but to me it is an overwhelming amount. This gets me thinking about my job and how I don’t get paid nearly enough. It’s been three years since I’ve started working there, and I’m an employee who gets his boxes checked next to “Exceeds Expectations.” and I’ve only received a raise of 16 cents total since I’ve started.

This is a big departure from my jobs back home where every year I would receive 50 cents to a dollar raise annually in most jobs I’ve had. I’m not sure if it’s the job I have, or the state I live in.

I check Linked-In just to see what’s going on. It’s hard for me to apply for other jobs because of either distance or requirements that I can’t meet. I feel trapped and like a failure. I’ve only been awake 30 minutes and I’m already questioning my life and my decisions.

I go into the kitchen and get my coffee started, I look at the time and I can’t believe I’ve been awake 45 minutes and only brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. While the coffee brews I go downstairs to start a quick load of laundry. We’ve got a wedding to go to tomorrow and I try to make sure that our dressy clothes will be clean and ready. While I sort the laundry I think about having two weddings back to back tomorrow and it makes me anxious.

My mind is now shuffeling between my money woes and my wedding anxiety. I hate dressing up. I’m down 70 pounds from where I used to be. I was down 110 pounds when I first moved here but in the past two years I’ve put on 40 pounds. The idea of that now starts weighing on my mind. I come back upstairs and hop on the scale before I take my first sip of coffee.

352… that’s a little better than where I was last week but I wish it was a little lower. I move the scale over a few inches on the floor and try it again. Sometimes if it’s not on a perfectly flat surface the scale can be a little off. I hop on again. 353…I should have left the fucking scale where it was.

I haven’t told anybody but I’m trying not to eat at all during the day so that way at night I can eat “normally” around my boyfriend. At work I’ll just have a yogurt or two during the day and drink water to feel full. It’s working a little bit although I know it’s not healthy.

It’s casual Friday and I want to look good so I grab a pair of jeans. They used to never fit me OVER the belly only under the belly. Now they are loose over the belly but I still feel far too fat. I put a belt on and cinch it tight to try and strap the belly down and make it look tame. It’s too tight and I look like an hour glass. I loosen it up and look more human.

I look in the mirror and I’m just unhappy. It’s going to be a tough day.

I haven’t even been up for two hours and I already feel like a failure and a hot mess.

I sip on my coffee and decided to write about this until I leave the house for work.

I’ll call my mom and talk to her normally and I’ll go to work and laugh and make jokes.

Everyone says I’m the sunshine that walks into the room, meanwhile the smallest imperfections of my life make me miserable, anxious and depressed.

I’m hoping the feeling is gone or at least forgotten for a little while…but the dread of money, weight, and being home sick are weighing me down more than my physical body could ever handle.

It’s been a rough few weeks with my depression but I’m trying to be aware of it and not let it ruin my days…

Here’s hoping life has a funny way of working out.

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