Sometimes it is completely hard to stay motivated. I noticed I haven’t written in a while and I’m not sure why. I can’t say that I’ve been busier than usual because my work schedule has been the same. Even if I have a hectic day at work my hours are always pretty much the same. I can’t say that I’ve used my time towards other important matters either. I’ve spent most of my hours in front of my phone playing a mobile game or sitting here at my boyfriends computer watching Youtube videos.
It becomes another mental game. Am I being lazy and unmotivated or is it depression? When you know you have issues with emotions it becomes harder to figure out exactly what you’re going through because you always plant these seeds in your head that maybe you are over-reacting. The flip-side of it is you find yourself accusing your own head of making up excuses. Am I actually downtrodden or am I using it as an excuse to not have to write? ….or to do anything else for that matter.
I need to light a fire under my ass to get things going. I’m reading over the drivers manual for the state of Missouri so that I can schedule my driving test. I’m planing on scheduling it within the first two weeks of November. I’m very nervous already, I’ve only taken a driving test once, it was years ago in another state. I didn’t pass, but I also was not driving nearly as much as I have been since June. I can’t believe the progress I’ve made. The fact that it’s just an option that I can drive places is astounding to me. I drive home form work most nights, and was the designated driver for my boyfriend when we went to his Coworkers wedding.
He said I drive better than he did when he had six months of experience. I’ve driven the highways, I’ve driven at night, I’ve driven on the highway at night! I even drove in the rain at night for the first time recently and did fairly well. I think I’m doing much better at driving but I’m still very nervous about my test. During my last test in Boston (in which they almost always fail people on their first try I’ve been told) I had a witness in the back seat who told me had I had a different person administering the test that day I would have passed. That failure shook me though, and I didn’t drive for a long time after that failure.
I keep getting told by my boyfriend that I will probably pass the test because I’ve gotten a lot better with my control of the vehicle. I still worry though, if I do fail (which I really don’t think I will) then I will try to reschedule within the same month.
I had told a few people I would do it by the end of September but I was very nervous and still am. I want to just pull the proverbial band-aid off though and get this over with. I have to renew my permit in December, I’m hoping to have a license before then. That’s my ultimate goal.
This time of year is so hard for me for a couple of reasons. I have always loved autumn. The weather, the nature, the feeling in the air. It is a very powerful, magical and supernatural time of year. The only thing is I often find myself feeling down around this time too. It’s tough because I have days of joy and days of depression. I know that seasonal depression is a legitimate thing but I can’t help but think it’s got to do with the utter lack of sunshine.
I’ve had a cold for the past few days which can’t help things either. It’s hard to breath so it’s hard to sleep. Lack of sleep, lack of health, and lack of sunshine is a tough thing to overcome but I’m trying. Luckily two out of the four days that I’ve been sick I didn’t have to work. I ended up doing a lot around the house though anyway. Sweeping under furniture and doing over 7 loads of laundry.
I have to finish getting ready for work now. I just felt the need to write a little bit and catch you guys up on where I’m at in terms of driving.
My next post should be more involved. I’ll also try to get back in the swing of things and write at least twice a week like I was.
You don’t achieve anything if you don’t set goals.
As of writing this looks like I’ve got 42 days to get my license done…