In December I posted that I would be getting back in the habit and for the whole month of January I didn’t post. Not only did I not post, I didn’t even log in to read a lot of the new blogs I started following. I went from being so motivated to falling right back out of the habit.
Why is it so hard to do the things you enjoy?
I find myself really struggling lately with anxiety and worry. Especially regarding my health. Every muscle twitch or moment of ear ringing sends a wave of panic over my entire body. I don’t know why lately I’m waiting for something to be wrong with me. My boyfriend noticed that I’ve always had a bit of anxiety that I exhibited but since my return from my last visit to Boston it’s been non-stop.
I was obsessed with my heart rate for a solid week. Thinking that my heart beat had gotten irregular I started making myself panic, which would in turn raise my heart rate. I had to go to the nurses at work to have them check my blood pressure one day because I was convinced it was sky high. I thought maybe I was about to have a heart attack or that I started exhibiting signs of heart disease. My Blood Pressure was completely normal (we’re talking 120/70).
I made my appointment for a physical just to have things checked. It seemed my health has gotten a little better since last year despite me gaining a few pounds. My blood work all came back improved. Healthy cholesterol, healthy blood sugar, etc etc.
That should be enough to convince me that everything is ok, right?
A few days after my physical I realized that my left calf looked swollen. It was hard for me to tell because I am big all over. It didn’t hurt but it felt tight. I started panicking that I might have a blood clot. I asked nurses and CNA’s at work and even asked a friend who had one before what symptoms were. According to Google I could very well be having a blood clot. I wasn’t experiencing any pain though, which everyone assured me would be excruciating and noticeable. I measured my calves to find my left one indeed about an inch bigger than the right. This panic over my calves lasted for a few days before I realized that when the “swelling had gone down” I measured my calves to see they were still the same size as before. I had imagined the swelling, and probably just had tight calves from going back to work. Eventually the tight sensation went away and I realized I might just survive it.
That’s when I actually got sick. But my anxiety made it worse…
This part discusses bowel movements, so if you’d rather not hear about my shit then please skip ahead to the next part. My stomach started to feel growl-y all the time. I started not having much of an appetite. It was almost like gas, except I wasn’t expelling anything and I wasn’t really eating much. It went on for two days like that. I was barely eating and I started having diarrhea. My stomach would turn after eating almost anything and I was making multiple trips to the bathroom a day. I didn’t want to call the Doctor because it could be a situation where there’s nothing they can do. I hate having to pay so much for an office visit to be told to take advil, or take it easy. So I try not to go to the doctors other than physicals and really significant problems.
I had started taking Turmeric as a supplement. Some people experience nausea diarrhea, and stomach cramps as a side effect. So it might have very well been that. There was also a stomach bug going around at work that didn’t seem to show Vomiting as a symptom, but it did have all the other symptoms I had. According to Google it might have been any of those as well as I.B.S or Chrohn’s Disease. It was at this point that I stopped trying to Google things. After about five days of not eating much it seemed to pass. At the same time however my boyfriend was suffering from a head cold himself. Which I would start showing symptoms of the day before my stomach got better.
So my stomach felt better and my cold started to subside…I almost felt Human again.
Almost. So I’m sitting there the other night and I hear this hum noise in my head followed by both ears ringing. It induced such a panic in me that something bad was about to happen. My boyfriend had to give me a hug and just hold me telling me it was going to be OK. I can’t thank him enough for dealing with my episodes. Especially as of late where it’s been constant.
For those of you who doubt anxiety is a real issue, I’d like to tell you it definitely is. I do not do it for attention. Nor am I crazy. I’m not faking it. I am exhausted it by it. I don’t want to think or hear about it either. If I come to you venting about it six or seven times a day that means it’s been in my thoughts all day long. Making me nervous. Making me unable to focus on other things. Afraid to go for a walk, because I might drop dead when I’m out there. How long before somebody finds me. Afraid to be home alone for similar reasons.
It has become a full time job trying to master my anxiety right now. I am finding strength in meditation and prayer of all things. Writing this blog alone has helped me feel better and given me something else to thing about for a while as well.
I know I’m going to be ok. I keep telling myself. I’m hoping eventually the half of me that’s saying “I’m OK” will get louder than the half of me that’s living in panic.
I have made it through 100% of the things I’ve been through in life.
So have you.
That’s a perfect record.
So chances are I’ll make it through this too.
Thank you to all the people who are in my pit-crew. Every time I need to pull over they are always there. To freshen me up, energize me, and make sure I’m OK.
2020 Has been exhausting for me so far. I’m going to try to work my way through it and actually write consistently again. Try to go out and do more. Just try.
A friend of mine gave me a book that is a nice part of my daily routine this year. If you’re religious or spiritual at all the book Jesus is Calling is a very nice daily novena to Jesus. It’s one of those you read one page a day for the year.
I’ve also found that drinking more water and sleeping longer have also helped me calm down quite a bit usually. I’ve been burning sage because it’s supposed to ward off negative energy. Here’s hoping February has a better run.
One day at a time…